Series: Going Back | Flights Are Booked

Its been nearly a decade since I saw a Ticket to Turkey with my name on it.

I’ve been waiting impatiently some years and patiently other years to have my turn to go back.

I’ve cried in international airports when I sat at my gate across from a gate that was set for IZMIR…. multiple times.

I’ve sent my best friend of to Turkey, and sent my parents back multiple times. My time just hadn’t come.

Like I said… there has been months of anger, months of tears, and months where it just didn’t bother me, and I was totally living my best life. I’ve grown accustom to seeing my fellow TCK’s visit their families in Turkey yearly. I’ve grown accustom to God’s answer being “not yet”.

But today, with a sigh of relief mixed with a stomach twist, I can say, my tickets are booked.

October 2019. With two of my best friends, I will be landing in Turkey for the first time in almost nine years.

I’m overwhelmed, excited, scared, and ready. so ready.

I wanted to start a series called “Going Back” for myself to remember this journey back for the first time. I could have done this privately in my own archives and journals, but I’m choosing to write and publish online, for all the my fellow TCKS. The TCKS that haven’t gone back. Who have cried as God has continued to answer “not yet.” I’ve waited what feels like a life time. I’m so scared I’m not going to recognize it. That without loved ones, I will feel like a stranger in the streets I called home. I’m worried my language won’t come back. I’m confused at all the emotions I have about seeing that little apartment… that apartment that held my crib, elementary bunk bed, jr high loft bed, and all my memories.

I know its okay to not know about any of this… And I’m not sure if other TCKs have asked these questions and gone through these emotions. If no one has shared it or you have felt alone, I’m here to share.