Driving Manual, Both Mind and Truck // The Social Dilemma

“an untamed mind is a minefield.”

I started noticing in the midst of quarantine that when I was finally given all the time I’ve ever wanted, I still ended up on my phone. I still ended up on youtube, TikTok, Instagram, or Facebook. It was humbling, to say the least. I thought if only I had enough time, I would learn the guitar, take up running, learn a language, start illustrating and writing more. I just watched more Netflix. I just scrolled more.

I needed to cope through the anxiety of the pandemic, the deafening solitude of living alone quarantined, and the stress of changed plans / unmet expectations. At night I couldn’t fall asleep. During the day I couldn’t stay awake. When I felt an intense emotion I rarely sat in it. After counseling sessions, instead of journaling, I found myself fleeing the emotional state I had led myself to by watching a show.

As the political climate intensified through April, May, and beyond, my social media algorithms shifted. They became a source of education in many ways. I was relearning definitions, expanding my understanding of realities unlike my own, and learning what anti-racism was. On TikTok, I was flooded with videos from daily protests. On Facebook, I was bombarded with articles, opinions, and aggressive call-to-arms.

My mind was overflowing with information, conflicting opinions, and memes. I’m not sure what it was that made me notice my addiction to my phone. I think it was when days became nights too quickly. When I felt really icky about how I had just spent 3 hours on Tiktok… who knew you could ever do that? It was like a vortex. When my Instagram stories and saved albums became so full, I wasn’t even fully engaging with the content I was sharing. I tried to, but sometimes the information just reflecting onto my eyes and back onto the screen… it never actually made it into my mind, just on my Instagram story.

I felt like I was screaming into an empty full room… or like I was behind one of those mirrors that is actually a wall to another room (not sure what they are called). Like I’m the one in the invisible room screaming into the room of people on the other side who can’t hear me, and even if they did it would just be an echo of everyone else’s cry. Social media felt like a whiplash of walking through a Pazar and every vendor screaming for your attention.

I deleted TikTok.

I could breathe for a minute.

But then I downloaded it again, because I didn’t want to miss out, and honestly there wasn’t that much I was doing with all that time I had given myself. I enjoyed the witty humor of Tiktokers.

I deleted TikTok again.

I deleted Instagram. I decided I needed a break.

I got anxious. I redownloaded it. What was I so anxious about? Was I feeling guilty for noting staying “woke”? Was I feeling like my voice was needed in conversations? Was I missing knowing and seeing other’s lives and thoughts? I believe its been a combination of it all.

Scrolling. Scrolling. Scrolling. it never ends. There’s new content every swipe up. Refresh. Scroll. Scroll. Scroll. Swipe. Like. Save. Repost. Swipe. Scroll. Scroll. Refresh. Save. Repost. Share. Send. Click. Scroll. Heart. Save. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh.

It was a very sudden realization when I decided to wake up and get out of it all. But the process was so slow. Old habits die so freakin hard. I swear this is so hard for me to kick. As I’m typing I’m doubting my ability to even write about quitting social media. I havne’t completely. There is NO content about how to quit social media when your job relies on social media.

A few weeks off of Instagram (with a couple of days of redownloading in the name “posting for work” turned to scrolling for hours, turned to freak out and deleting app), I had a few friends recommend “The Social Dilemma.”

By the third or fourth friend asking if I Had watched it yet, I finally pulled it up on Netflix while I was cooking. Within 10 minutes, I was sitting at my table and pulling out my journal to jot down notes. I’m definitely not one to take notes during documentaries, but it was some shocking information I didn’t want to forget.

“We are a nation of people who no longer talk to each other.”

“At cultural war”

“There is an existential threat. What is it?” “It’s tecnology’’s power to bring out the worst in society.”

“How can companies regulate themselves?” “If you don’t see the product. you ARE the product”

“We are worth more staring at a screen then spending that time in a rich way.”
”How do you get out the matrix, if you don’t know there is a matrix?”

If I wasn’t already on the path of wanting to eliminate social media, this got me there. With honest specialists that have quit from Facebook, Google, and other massive digital platforms saying they don’t allow their kids on social media, it was done deal. The guy who created massive aspects of Gmail sharing ways he’s fought back his own addiction to email. It’s wild. It’s authentic. ITS TRANSPARANT. which is the last thing these companies are at this point. The specialists each pointing out that they are stuck in a business model of “profit at all cost”, lacking in transparency, regulation, and ETHICS.

It hasn’t been long that I’ve started a journey without social media. Not long at all. But I’m already learning a lot about myself and how addicted my mind is to it all. In many ways, by stepping out of the matrix of social media, I feel like I am earning to drive manual for my mind.

I’m currently trying to learn how to drive manual in this Ford 100 that is as old as me. There is so much technique, so much to be aware of - it requires my full attention. I CANNOT multi-task. I stall. I have to restart the truck. I have to switch gears, keep an eye out on traffic around me. When I’m on a hill, I have to rest on the clutch and the gas just right to hover in the same space, not rolling backward or forwards. When I get stressed, I have to take a break. I’m exhausted after I practice.

When I live a day without social media, I’m literally relearning how to focus. I am fighting the urge to flee distress and tasks that I don’t like. I feel pretty lonely. Dm’s aren’t coming in, just a few texts a day. I document my day for myself and to send to my parents and friends. In many ways, I am exhausted afterward, and I have to be mindful to not treat social media like a 'reward’. I am learning to remember to grab a book before I head to Fedex or CarWash where normally while waiting I would just scroll.

I have NO idea how to get off social media completely. I made this journal part of my blog, just so I could share some photos and writing. My clients find me through social media. My work is displayed across social media. Social media is what has legitimized my business. I don’t think I can just stop sharing client’s photos… can I? I can’t just stop sharing work? Can I?